Monday, January 30, 2017

Hannah Ussery

I Will Always Keep You Safe by Angela Treat Lyon
                                                     My .233 Automatic Rifle                                          
                                       

2 comments:

  1. You did a great job explaining everything. I feel like I understand guns (even though I have never even shot one). What made you so interested in guns at a young age? In the first paragraph, the fifth sentence may need a comma between then and I. Also, the second paragraph, second sentence needs some fixing. I believe you accidentally forgot to put "they" in the sentence. You also used the word "things" in the fourth paragraph. In the fourth paragraph, last sentence you say " I guess that goes back to me being the mom if the bunch. " Also, the last paragraph could use some work with the last sentence and I think the first and second sentence could be joined.

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  2. I enjoyed the passage. I loved the way you compared yourself and the gun. I noticed a lot of words in the last sentence were mentioned more than once , you don't want become repetitive with your words.

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